Thursday, November 29, 2012

Some Huge Mind Shifts Going On

Some Huge Mind Shifts Going On

by Angel,
November 26th 2012

I had a major mind shift yesterday, after reading a reply to one of my comments I left on another blog. I am not going into that one today. However, that huge nugget of truth and revelation led me into solidifying pieces of puzzles that I have been trying to connect for years. The revelation that I finally understood was that I am worthy. I am worthy to have not only my basic needs met, but to be treated with dignity and respect. In the mind spin that I had I also uncovered a major source of self-attacks and negative self-talk – confusion.

Confusion about how people treat me has led to my constant negativity toward myself. 

Because I would see others treat people, differently than they treated me I assumed that there was something wrong with me. Because people continued to dismiss me, ignore me, disregard my wants/needs, invalidate my existence, yet, they would do for others or they treated others with respect, it would send me into spiral of confusion. The confusion was mostly from being incredibly frustrated by feeling that it was wrong and undeserved, but since I had been invalidated my whole life, even made to feel like a burden or wrong for asking for my basic needs, I did not feel as if I had a right to express how I was feeling. If I did, I was invalidated and made to feel as if I had done something wrong for standing up for myself. At some point, you tire and give in.

I admit though, my social confusion enhanced this because I did not know if it was right or wrong. 

Everyone seemed to treat me as a second-class citizen, so if everyone does this it must be true. That was my irrational logic. It was not true, everyone did not treat me like that, but I managed to draw and stay connected to people who convinced me otherwise. David said this yesterday, “You think of yourself as sub-human. It has been confusing because you step out and do things that prove that you are intelligent and creative, but then you spend all of this time convincing yourself that you are a sub-human.” I have based my entire existence on the way others have treated me because I had no sense of self. I realized that something that caused me great confusion and denial of self is how others have “led me on.”

Being led on is a horrible thing for me. 

I am extremely devoted, loving, and forgiving. Once I allow someone into my world they are there for life – the issue is that I have continued to allow people into my life who do not do the same thing. They do not care as much I as do. They do not intertwine their connections and devotions, but they also do not express that. They “pretend” or possibly want to, but are incapable of giving to the relationship. While I acknowledge, admit, and embrace my part of not understanding the social cues or the “signs,” the people who have led me on do bear responsibility for their actions.

I can go down the list of people who have led me on. 

They include family members down to friends. Relationships of all kinds have caused me confusion because of the “leading on” situations. The friend I spoke of who never contacted me back, whether she meant to or not, led me on. She gave the impression that she cared and wanted to continue interactions, but then shut down. I have so many stories like this. One of the worst was my ex-boyfriend who actually led me on for almost four years with absolutely no intentions of getting back together with me. He continued to be my friend; he called me on my birthday, or during random times throughout the year. I would stay at his house when I came to visit on vacation. He acted as if he was into me. I will not go into the details of what happened; I may have already on here. The bottom line is he kept me around and now I believe until something “better” came along.

It stroked his ego to have me devoted to him. 

It strokes anyone’s ego to have a person like me. Someone who is willing to forgive rotten behavior and not flat out tell them that their actions suck. It feels good to have a person like me to tell them how great they are because I see the good qualities in them, but the truth of the matter is other people would tell them that they are full of it and they would not put up with it. People at some point learn that they have self-worth and do not deserve to have anyone treat them “second best.” I use him as an example because I learned a lesson from that experience however, over the years I managed to twist it into somehow being my fault.

I felt so stupid and embarrassed because I did not understand.

This caused me to believe that somehow it was my fault and it must have been because I was not good enough. I finally, understand the root of these thoughts and they stem back to my childhood. I know with clarity that it is not true. I was taken advantage of, made to feel like it was my fault for not “seeing the signs,” made to feel stupid, but it is not entirely my fault. They are at fault too. I clearly remember asking people directly, “Is this the end? Are we no longer friends? Should I just go now? Are we done?” I ASKED these things. I wanted to know and they would lie to my face.

They would say that they did not want me out of their of life. 

I am sure they did not feel like they were lying, but they were. I have a history of my father telling me that he was going to come get me, or come see me, then, something would come up. He would have to cancel and if I got upset, it would be turned into how I needed to understand. I was made to feel guilty for not being ok with it. I was a child! As an adult, I do understand the reasons when it happens, but I still have a right to be disappointed and hurt. I needed to be allowed to do that as a child. There was one point when my mom got so angry with my dad for canceling on me that she forced him to start telling me. Before that, he made her do it and she could not take it any longer. She could not look at me and try to make up excuses for him. I believe that my dad’s own guilt was turned onto me, which caused a series of issues in my mind.

I also, believe that because of this I have always sought after men throughout my life who do the same thing to me. 

I have continually, cared for men who put their conveniences, wants, and selves above me. I believe that I chose girls to be my friends who were like this as well. All I ever wanted was equality, respect, and to be treated with dignity. They did not do that. I feel sick, but I realize that I have been seeking the love of my dad through men and women friends who treated me the way he did as I was growing up. (As well as how my mom treated me, but that is another whole post.) I think this is one reason why David and I butt heads a lot too – he is nothing like that. He does not mess around and says what he has to say. (Well, there have been times when he did not – there is a lot wrapped into our communication and marriage that I am not ready to process yet.) Sometimes it is not in the best way, but we have been working hard on our communication with each other. We finally concluded that our children deserved that. They deserve to see parents who communicate and respect each other.

That is our goal despite any hurts or struggles we have in our marriage. 

I do not know if others have been deeply hurt and confused by being led on by others, but I find it to be one of those hidden social rules that can lead me into self-destructive paths. Not anymore. I did some research and found a post that really helped me to process and see that I am not the only one at fault. Those people who lead others on are responsible for their actions. It is wrong. It is far better to tell someone the truth and allow them to accept, process, and heal. I will share some of the post in closing, but here is the link I Didn’t Mean to Lead You On..Or Did I?

“I don’t think most people set out to lead someone on or mislead them. Sometimes it happens organically: the intention is there but something or someone else comes along and you get distracted or find yourself losing interest. So you keep putting them off and putting them off, telling yourself you’ll make time for them. There’s a question as to whether we know what we’re doing in those situations. Do we know we’re not interested and are deferring because we just hope the other person will tire of trying eventually? Or do we tell ourselves we are actually interested but just crazy busy or somehow otherwise engaged? Can it be both?”

This may sound harsh, but I believe that those who know that you are an Aspie and they lead you on bear a greater responsibility. If they know your struggles and inability to read social rules than, they should be as straight forward as possible and if they are not at some point it just feels plain cruel.

“[Like I said above…]there are a lot of people who walk around feeling not the slightest bit guilty for how they treat others. They have convinced themselves that they are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. And the thing is? They’re not. Nobody can force us to stay hurt and angry. While the initial pain we feel might not be something we can control, it’s a choice to remain in that space in our head. We might never get that apology we crave. We sometimes have to give ourselves that closure.  And that’s going to have to be enough.”

This whole post was great, but I pulled this paragraph out because it has a lot of healing for me. 

I have great pain when I feel like I have no control. It causes me to loop, have anxiety, become fearful, and on guard waiting for an attack. As I read this though, I see that none of that matters. I do not have to live with the repercussions of how someone else treated me. I do not have to accept their treatment as being my fault. I do not have to figure it out or try to understand what I could have possibly done to make it right. We all have to live with ourselves, the way we treat others, I chose to treat people with respect, and now that includes myself. There are those who will continually feel as if they bear no responsibility for how others “interpret” their actions, but eventually something or someone will come around and shake up their world. It’s up to them if they want to wake up, and change for the better, or they can have peace in discovering that they are narcissists and do not give a “BLEEP!” Oh, I’m kidding.

Whatever, I found freedom today and I will cling to it. 

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