Friday, June 29, 2012

Rauhauser Recap | The Trenches

Rauhauser Recap

by bradrees,
June 25th 2012

It’s been a pretty action-packed week here at The Trenches, huh, kids? Jumping back and forth, seamlessly, between the misdeeds of the Matt-stermind behind #StopRush and the intimate (cough, wheeze) connections to everyone’s favorite sociopath, Neal Rauhauser. Oh, and the “ladies” in between. Yep. Fun times.

Consider this article a place-holder of sorts. Something to get you through the week, while we slice up some more juicy nuggets of this story and season them to perfection.

You may be wondering who I am, to be writing so smugly about all of this. Well, I’ve been more behind-the-scenes in The Trenches, privy to information as it flowed in, but letting our more vocal team members run with the ball. Now that they’ve run up the score a bit, coach feels comfortable putting in some of the second string. That’s where I fit in.

You may have seen a couple other pieces under my byline here. If not, they’re pretty easy to find. You’re all grown folks, so I don’t need to point you to them.

For the most part, I’ve been a reader of these stories, just like you. Sure, I knew the details in advance, but couldn’t wait to see what our capable writers did with that info. One thing they haven’t done is disappoint.

I’m happy with our team here at The Trenches, and we hope you like what we do, as well.

Back to business. Matt Edelstein (aka @Shoq) has already been exposed for acts that violate Florida law, and making others complicit in his crime. Bad kitty. We’ll be exposing more fallout from that, as one of his cohorts begins a new show on MSNBC next week. Hmm. Wonder if Phil Griffin knows about that email she got from Matt…? I know for a fact *someone* at that network is aware.

Anyway, we also have a lot more on every pharmacist’s dream-date, Neal Rauhauser. Hopefully, no more pictures, but I can’t promise anything on that front (doh!).

Speaking of which, how is it possible for an aging naked guy to be shiny and yet so pink, all at once? Slathering your sockpuppeting self with callow mime lotion again, Neal? Tsk, tsk.

And “F% ck-Me-Blankets”? Really?! In the same caption as your kids? Damn, that’s creepy. Wait… wasn’t there some allegation regarding Neal and pedophil… No, on second thought, that nasty rumor may have been about the Gaped Crusader. Or was it Matt Edelstein? Hmm. Oh, no, I remember now! That allegation was about our old bomber buddy, Brett Kimberlin. Oops! My bad. Well, you can’t really blame me, right? Honest mistake, what with the three of them being so inextricably linked, amiright?!

And, guess what? The best part is that we’re just warming up. People are paying attention to these asshats now, and the other shoe will be dropping next week. Or maybe it’ll be a pair of shoes, eh, Neal? With shackles on them? (Oops, can’t say that. Because Racism.) Or maybe we’ve got the remnants of the Imelda Marcos collection, just waiting in the wings? Time will tell. Oh, and check out who else likes women’s shoes! (Told you I couldn’t promise no more pics.)

Honestly, folks, after all the exposure we’ve given Matt and Neal these past few weeks, and Kimberlin over the past two months, a decent human being could almost feel sorry for them. Almost. Until they realized that Brett, Neal, and Matt are not, by any stretch, decent human beings themselves.

Can’t you conjure up Mike Judge’s Beavis voice, while reading about Neal? Saying something like:

“I am the great Rauhausio! I need an OWS rape-free teepee for my Shoq-hole! I’m an anonymous u-slurper of crappucino! Are you threatening me?! Derpy!”

With the metric ass-load of corny-ness, between James Bond fantasies, popped collars, frivolous lawfare, self-posted nude photos, living with mommy, utter lack of musical talent, f-me blankets, industrial-strength paranoia leading to illegal phone-tapping, duping leftists into funding your operations, and the uber-corny “Gaped Crusader” persona we’ve already exposed, I’d say it’s safe to conclude that Neal, Matt, and Brett have been corn-pwn’d here at The Trenches.

But, as corny as they all are, and as foolish as they’ve made themselves look (we merely reported on it), we have to remember that they are still somewhat dangerous, to varying degrees. Edelstein has, despite the shoqpuppets, managed to cost Rush Limbaugh money through lost ad revenue. If his imaginary minions can do that to the biggest voice on the right, “they” can do it to any one of us. Which is why we’re exposing Matt’s ruse: so no one will listen to his empty threats and hollow harangues anymore.

As for Neal, well, it’s pretty obvious by now that he is severely mentally unstable. When these folks are cornered, they’re even more unpredictable. Fortunately, he’ll be back on his meds soon, with someone performing a tongue check on him, to make sure they get swallowed.

And Brett? Well, his (previously) generous donors are already cutting off the spigots, thanks to the efforts of thousands of citizen journalists spreading the word about his antics. He can’t sue (or bomb) us all. But he’s still filing “peace order” SLAAP suits against a select few, which means the danger from him is not entirely quelled, either.

All three are showing outward signs of agitation and discomfort now, as the pressure increases and the walls close in. Well, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind them not to examine too closely the structural integrity of the ceiling…

Yeah. We’ll be bringing that down soon enough, too, so stay tuned.

Bellum letale.

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